As I sit here unable to go to church (sitting with a friends
daughter so her and her husband can attend church together), I am reflecting on
an aha moment I had earlier this week at a lunch with a good friend. The
conversation turned to the challenges our kids face. How they are so different from the challenges
that we faced as we were growing up.
A truth that no one can dispute – the day that our children
live in (no matter our circumstance or place in life) is different than the
life we lived. I was talking to her about the criticism that I have received
about the way that I choose to parent my children.** This is where the aha
moment came. In Ephesians, 6:11, we are
told to “put on the WHOLE armour of
God, that ye m ay be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” (Emphasis added)
You’ve heard this before, right? This
isn’t new doctrine. It is my job, as a
parent, to make sure my children have the armor of God. However, so many people
(myself included) don’t put these two things together. The armor of God and the changing world. For
many years, I was arming my children for the battles that I faced as a
child/teenager. It makes sense that with the changing of the world comes the
changing of the armor that is needed for the battle.
Today, the battles that are fought (bother literal and
spiritual) are not fought or protected against like the battles that were waged
even 5 or 10 years ago. Providing our children armor for battles that were
previously fought is setting them up to fail.
I do understand that some of the battles that are faced today are
similar to those fought years ago, and we will continue to fight them until the
end of time. Abuse (physical, emotional,
sexual, and spiritual) is one that unfortunately will not ever disappear. I understand that we need to still
teach/warn/arm our children for this type of battle. However, there is a HUGE battle that is
fought today that was only seen by prophets 20+ years ago. The internet provides a unique challenge. The direction that media has taken is
different. The attack on the family has intensified to an unimaginable level.
One example, I remember going to school and hearing swear
words. Today, the schools are FILLED with vulgar language. Hearing my children tell me how uncomfortable
makes my mom heart hurt yet rejoice at the same time. I hurt because they are exposed to this day
in and day out. I rejoice because they
are still uncomfortable, which means the armor I am giving them is not letting
them become desensitized by what they are hearing. (Before I get comments about
homeschooling my kids to avoid this – I have prayed about this. I feel that right now, for US, the best place
for them to be is in school. I will (and have) pulled them out of school and
taught them at home because that was what I know as a parent I was supposed to
do!)
A quick story about language: We have one young man that we
go to church with. He is over 16 years of age and attends the high school we
are zoned for. He is afraid to get his
wisdom teeth out because he is terrified of what is going to come out of his
mouth while he is under anesthesia. Not
because he is a bad kid with a bad mouth, but he hears so much of it at school
that he can’t help but have those words in his thoughts. This might seem silly to you, but the thought
of speaking that way is terrifying to him.
While it is true that we didn’t have to use this armor to
fight our battles, we were not sent into this battle alone. We have a loving Heavenly Father that will guide
and help us with this, IF we ask. It is
a scary thing to think about sending our kids out into this world, but with His
help, we can arm them adequately. I have talked to so many people that are
intimidated by what this job entails, that they don’t know where to start. I don’t claim to be an expert on parenting,
but I do have a bit of experience in this armor department. When my oldest was 10, he was working on a
vocabulary list for homework. He had to
find an image for each of his definition words.
He was searching google images. He
put in a completely INNOCENT word in and a pornographic image showed up. I remember hearing him slam the computer
closed (I was ticked – he’s going to break the computer…I think he wishes he
would have broken it) and run upstairs to me in my room. I was recovering from surgery and was completely
unprepared for what happened. He was
10!!! He sat on my bed and told me what
had happened and that he didn’t know what to do.
(I’ll pause at this point in the story and tell you that I
was not prepared. The first thing you
need to do as a parent is PREPARE for these situations. They ARE going to happen. Hope and pray that
their first response is to come to you and talk to you.)
I 100% relied on the Lord to guide me in this
situation. I am thankful I was living
the way I should so I could have guidance with this. I told him that I was not the “driver of this
car ride” that he was now on. I didn’t
see what he saw, but that I was sorry he was put in this position. I told him we could sing a Primary song, read
a scripture, pray, talk about how he felt, do all of them, or do nothing. It was up to him. I would support him in
anything he chose to do. He chose to sing a primary song and say a prayer. It’s been 4 years since this happened and
there are times that I still hear him humming this primary song. (We picked a
less popular one because I didn’t want the song to be a trigger for his
memory.) I know that he is using this to combat temptation. For about a year,
he would occasionally come to me and talk about how he was feeling and so
discouraged that this image was never going to leave his mind. Guess what?
This image will NEVER be erased from his mind. Never. While that is so hard to grasp, it is reality
and we have dealt with it the best way we know how.
Other than be prepared, here is my #1 piece of advice – CREATE a relationship with your
kids. With other people’s kids. With your nieces and nephews. BE the person that they will come to. This
isn’t the only situation where I have learned that the relationship that I
created with my kids is the most important thing that I can do to provide them
armor. They know that NO MATTER WHAT,
they can come to me. I will not judge, nor criticize. I will always be their safe place, their
excuse to friends, and their biggest cheerleader. More than once I have had one
of my boys text me asking me to call them and tell them I needed them
home. Nothing makes me happier. I know
we don’t want our kids in those situations, but guess what? They WILL be in
those situations. Do they know they can call you and ask for help? When I was a
teenager, I didn’t feel I could go to my parents, so I turned to my Young Women’s
Leaders. (See – it’s not just parents). I do realize that my kids are not going
to come to me with everything. I hope
they do, but I am a realist. I encourage them to have adults that they trust that
they feel they can talk to. John Bytheway calls them his “Board of Directors.”
Sometimes kids need to hear the things their parents tell them from other
adults. Then parents have a bit of credibility. (It truly does take a village!)
My kid’s friends know that I will be that person. I have
spent more than one afternoon or late night talking to friends of my kids and
comforting and helping the best I can. If something is discussed that I need to
talk to their parents about, they 100% know that I am going to talk to their
parents, but guess what? They secretly want that. They trust me enough to know
when to go to their parents and know that I only want what’s best for them.
Also, my kids KNOW that I am going to be honest and open
with them. When something bad happens, I want them to hear it from me first and
be in a situation where they can ask questions and together we can talk about
it. This means having some REALLY hard conversations. (Can you say Sandy Hook
School shooting?) However, I have learned that kids know this stuff. They hear
things and are very observant. I want them to hear it from me and not some kid
on the playground. I have the ability to give them the facts. I also stress
that they shouldn’t talk about it. They can stand up to someone when they hear
things that are incorrect, but I make sure they know that not all parents want
their kids knowing things. They know we need to allow other parents the
opportunity to control what their kids know, but newsflash, you can’t control
what they hear on the playground. At times this is hard. Explaining to a 4 year old about the Sandy
Hood shooting was awful. I wanted to shield her from that horrible truth.
However, I am SO glad I did. The next time she was at preschool, one of the
other kids was talking about it and saying things that were not true. She did
as I taught her and told them that they didn’t have correct information and
they needed to talk to their parents about it. (Imagine my 4 year old Maggie
saying that – she said exactly that.) It is a hard world we live in and we
cannot shelter or keep our kids from the truth.
As I said, I don’t have it figured out, and I am not good
all the time. Anxiety and depression are real and extremely limiting. However,
I felt very strongly that I needed to share this. I appreciate the encouragement and sharing of
advice from other parents. As I said before – we are truly a village. The only
way to get through this is to help and lift one another. Please know – this is
not directed and one person. This is just something that came to me and I haven’t
been able to move my thoughts beyond this.
The battle is real, but we have what we need to fight it. The key is TO
FIGHT!! Don’t give up because it seems
bigger than you can handle!
**Side note – the criticism of others doesn’t bother
me. It just simply exists. I am completely comfortable with the fact
that others don’t parent the same way that I parent, however, I TRY to not criticize
other parents for their choices. I only
ask the same in return. However, the criticism
of others will NOT stop me from parenting the way that I KNOW I am supposed to
parent my children.
