Follow-up -

I had a whole post written in response to all those who sent negative comments and questions to be regarding fear.  Instead of posting it, I deleted it.  I decided not to engage in the negative banter than would be created if I posted it.  For now, I will just say - please let me raise my kids the way I feel I am directed, and everything will be fine.

On another note - have you seen my eyes?  I posted a picture on Facebook yesterday.  Well, today, the left eye is still bad (if not a little worse) and my right eye is significantly worse.  Here, check it out.

The eye that's more swollen is my left eye.  That's the eye that I had the infection in first.  We are fairly positive that the infection is viral rather than bacterial.  I am doing drops in my eyes, but they have been fairly unsuccessful thus far in doing anything positive.  They have caused me to feel like I have sand in my eyes and they provide instant sharp pains behind my eyes for an hour or so after I put the drops in.

As I laid on the couch this morning with my eyes closed, I thought back on the significant physical pain I have felt over the span of my life.  My first surgery was when I was 7 years old.  I have had several surgeries, given birth to 4 children, and suffered many physical afflictions in the time since I was 7 and remember feeling physical pain.  Here are my thoughts....

Childbirth was painful (as one would expect).  Of the 4 deliveries I had, 2 were (semi) medicated and 2 were done with nothing (only because we learned that the epidural did nothing for me...) As you would expect (or as you already know) childbirth can be pretty excruciating pain.

Kidney stones takes childbirth to a whole different level.  Kidney stones is extremely similar to childbirth without the breaks in-between contractions.  It's constant.  The one great thing about kidney stones in place of childbirth is that once the kidney stone is "delivered" you don't have a tiny human totally dependent on you.  One that only sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches, wants to constantly eat (just remembering the breastfeeding pain makes me queasy), not to mention the physical recovery from childbirth.  Kidney stone recovery is just getting back to your regularly scheduled life.

My current physical challenges with my eye doesn't compare in pain to kidney stones, however, it is completely debilitating.  I really can't do anything.  I don't want to come into contact with people because I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy.  Besides feeling like there is sand in my eye and sharp pains behind my eye, my vision is blurry and it hurts to physically keep my eye open. However, the sand feeling is worse when my eyes are closed. I can't watch a movie, I can't play games on my phone, and I can't browse Pinterest or Facebook.  Those all require my eyes being open. So, I lay on the couch.  Fighting between keeping my eyes closed because it's better for them and open because there's less pain when they're open. So, there you have it!

I am thankful for friends!  Messages, calls, flowers, and help!  My poor husband had to drive kids with me last night because I couldn't really see anything.  Please, be grateful for your eyesight!

Disclaimer: this post was typed mostly with my eyes closed and it was not proofread.  Please do not comment on spelling, grammar, or other mistakes.  Right now - I DON'T CARE!!

Rough days..

I would have been okay living my life without today EVER happening. I was sitting on my bike at the gym waiting for my Sprint class to start. J's name popped up on my phone and I knew I had to take it.

Back up to last Friday when much to my dismay, we discovered we got to pay the price for the kids being back to school. Justin came home with a roaring case of viral pink eye. Saturday morning we got an in-home visit from our {amazing} doctor. He told us to watch it and if it didn't get better in a couple of hours, we would start him on an antibiotic to prevent ocular damage. He cautioned that any type of pain in the eye was something we need to be concerned about because if the ocular nerve was involved, he could lose his vision. We started him that afternoon on an antibiotic ointment  and woke up Sunday to a worsening case. We received another in-home visit from the doctor after church (Justin got to skip church) and we increased the frequency of the antibiotic application. Monday he stayed pretty consistent. No improvement, but it didn't get worse. 

Back to this morning, where I was anxiously awaiting the start of my Sprint class. I answered Justin's call and heard him in tears on the other end of the line. He said he was in pain and needed me to get him. My anxiety shot through the roof. Of all my kids, Justin has the highest tolerance for pain. Playing football and now baseball has given him the ability to withstand quite a bit. So, to have him in tears was terrifying. I sent a text to our doctor and immediately left to pick Justin up. Our doctor told me to take him in. So, I made it from the gym to the base and checked in (with Justin in tow) in less than 30 minutes. {I may or may not have broken a speed limit or two!} 

It was confirmed that he had gotten worse. Labs and a CT scan were ordered and off we went. I think my super strong kid has PTSD from allergy shots because he hates needles. first up was a CT scan (with contrast) that included an IV drip. Next up we're labs. He smashed my hand while the needle was placed. Labs were completed and, bandage applied so he could finally breathe. Only to be told that the lab tech missed one of the labs and they needed another vile. I literally laughed out loud. So, they unwrapped the IV arm and stuck it again for the last vile of labs. I will forever be grateful that he was given the all clear. No ocular infection and no underlying infection in the body. We are trying a different antibiotic and hoping that he will get better. 

A few things that I have learned today - fear is real and can not (and should not) be ignored. I was so scared for him that he would lose his vision. Just when things are going so well and his dreams were coming true, he was in jeopardy of losing it., I was terrified that he would have to have a new normal. I am thankful for two very dear friends that tried talking me off the ledge that I was on. They weren't very successful, and really they knew they wouldn't be, but they loved me enough to try. To those two - thank you! I love you! I know that if we were facing a new normal, we would not be alone. However, I am grateful that we don't have to learn a new normal.

I also learned that it is important to let our kids occasionally see us be afraid. He mentioned that he was comforted because I was afraid. He laughed that he thought I was more afraid than he was. There is a right time for them to know that we feel all of the same things that they feel. He found so much comfort in my fears. 

Tonight, as I take time to reflect and write in my journal, I learned that I need to take more time to reflect on my fears, blessings, and take inventory of where I stand. I sure love this kid!!

My land...

"And I, Nephi, did build a temple; and I did construct it after the manner of the temple of Solomon save it were not built of so man precious things; for they were not to be found upon the land, wherefore, it could not be built like unto Solomon's temple. But the manner of the construction was like unto the temple of Solomon; and the workmanship therof was exceedingly fine."

-2 Nephi 5:16-

Whether or not you believe in the Book of Mormon, this scripture ABSOLUTELY can apply to you. 

At first this can be a confusing scripture.  Nephi has broken off from his wicked brothers.  His people are establishing their homes and way of life.  Nephi tells us that they built a temple.  It was like Solomon's, except it wasn't, except it was, except it wasn't, and they liked it. Uh, okay.  

Upon closer inspection, we find that Nephi is telling us that he built a temple like the one that Solomon built.  It would have been better, as good as Solomon's, if they had been in a different place with different materials, but other than the materials - it was just like Solomon's.  

What is the significance behind it being just like Solomon's Temple?  In the Bible, there are exact directions for the temple.  Measurements, colors, trimmings, and materials to use.  Nephi, wanting to make a temple pleasing to the Lord, built according to these directions as closely as he could.

What does this mean for us?  We may not find ourselves on the land that we expected.  We may have hoped or planned for better circumstances, money, or even relationships. However, just because we may find ourselves in a different situation than we planned, we can still do/be something great.  Our specific faith aside, we all face life with all the twists and turns.  Things change and we can make ourselves adaptable and still create something great.  

Our challenge is just that: create something great.  Something that is "exceedingly fine" and pleasing to us.  There are few things in life that we can control, but we can control our attitude and how we respond to the things that happen to us in life.  My friends, please be happy!