Life isn't fair...

I just watched another reunion of a military member coming home from Afghanistan.  Bawled my eyes out.  The events the last two weeks have brought my emotions on my sleeve.  I swear I have a permanent track from my bottom eyelid to my chin on each side of my face.

I keep playing a song from Glee in my mind.  "So I throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air and accept the truth that sometime life isn't fair. I'll send out a wish, ya I'll send up a flare that finally someone will see how much I care."

A family down the street is one that will forever be affected by the shooting at Kabul Airport almost 2 weeks ago.  The kids father and a sweet lady's husband was shot and killed.  In one split second, their lives changed forever.  My head knows that Aaron is safe but that doesn't stop my heart from playing the what if's.  What if it were Aaron.  What would I do without my soulmate?  Then, I cry my tears into my pillow until I fall asleep.  I am sick of this.  I want my husband home.  I am also reminded daily that people have it worse the me.  I know that.  However, that doesn't turn off my feelings.  I am still allowed to feel what I feel. 

Moving off my soapbox, we have an approximate date for Aaron's departure.  Just under 2 months left.  I CAN'T wait.  Oh how I miss him!!

Anger

I know, anger is of the devil, however, I need to express some anger so maybe I can move on. Once again, I am taking away the comment feature for this post. I don't want to hear that I am strong enough to make it through. I know that I am. I will make it through, but for now, I am angry. These might not make much sense!

• Why can't we be given a little glimpse of the why? I know, then it wouldn't make us stronger, but if I knew why, it would make it easier to endure the hardships.
• I am angry that I had faith in human kind and trusted someone. If I would have pressed harder or waited longer or even prayed harder, maybe the answer would have been different.
• I am angry that the person I trusted cares only for themselves. I go out of my way to help others. This person could care less of what me and my kids are going through.
• I am angry that my children have to adjust to a move, once again. They just met friends. They have loved riding their bikes outside and playing with the neighbor kids. They were looking forward to a good school year. They love the kids at church. Justin has 3 or 4 boys his age in his class. We enjoyed dinner with them on Sunday, and the kids had a Great time. The adults even played a few hands of Scum.
• I am angry that we don't know it all. If I knew it all, I wouldn't have to learn lessons.
• I am angry that I have had to do 2 "boy" jobs today. I took out the Recycle Can and mowed the lawn.
  
• I am angry that I turned my alarm off this morning and didn't exercise. (Although, when I was mowing the lawn, I was grateful I didn't excercise this morning. I wouldn't be able to move right now if I did.)
• I am angry that it is 7:17 pm and I have to spend the evening getting things together for the movers to not pack tomorrow. I am angry that I have to spend 3 nights without a bed (my kids too) and living out of a suitcase again. Seriously, it has only been 4 weeks.
• I am angry I have to leave one of the only friends I have in Alaska. (There is more than 1 - however, it's been really nice being so close.) I will miss you Staci!
  

I know that this is for the best, but I find myself overwhelmingly alone. Who likes moving? I don't. Here I am, preparing for the nightmare again when I just unpacked my last box not 2 weeks ago. I find it so very hard to be patient and understanding when I feel like my life is falling apart around me. At times, I feel as if I can't breathe.

Medical school (Maryland) was very hard for me. I found myself praying every night for my "cup to pass," but it never did. What did I expect, really? For the military to give Aaron orders to move us in the middle of medical school? I mean, hello! However, night after night, I would cry my heart out to the Lord only to feel like my prayers and needs were being ignored. I can look back now and see that I was not alone. I grew more than I ever though possible in those 4 years. However, that doesn't make those lonely nights any easier. I find myself looking towards those lonely nights in the not-so-far distance.

I once again feel that urge to pray for this "cup to pass." I would love to wake up tomorrow morning and have dreamed this whole nightmare. We could stay in our home, with all our stuff. We could put up our pictures and candles and nice things. I just figured out how to get myself where I need to go.

Anger is such a weird thing. I hope now, I am able to pack and get everything ready for the movers tomorrow. I have often been told that my life should be a book. So many crazy things happen to me. At this point, I don't think anyone would believe that this really happened! I think I need to go study scriptures for a little bit or something. Maybe that will help.