Sorry - removing comments for this post.
With the recent earthquake in Chile and the not so recent earthquake in Haiti, it has caused a great deal of thinking on my part. Seeing the destruction and devistation are difficult to watch. Thousands dead. Even more wounded and homeless. A lack of medical teams and supplies.
Lately, I have felt like I am trapped inside my own spiritual earthquake. When we left Ohio, I felt like I suffered the biggest "earthquake" of my life. Gone were the great friends that I had made (physically speaking). Gone was the security of knowing that whatever happened, I could takle it.
Yesterday in Sunday School, we talked about Abraham and the many things he endured in his life. The promises he had been given of his postairity but being older and still not having children. Not questioning God and his plan when he himself was lieing upon the alter. Meant as a sacrafice. His life was spared, but he didn't doubt. When he was asked to sacrifice his much awaited for son, he DID NOT question. Instead, he willingly (but I am sure with a heavy heart) took his son to obey the Lords commandments.
I have not yet been asked to sacrifice my children. I have not yet been asked to give my life. I have questioned a lot of things since we have moved to Alaska. I do know the Church is true. I do know that God loves us. I have been blessed in Alaska. It hasn't all been dark clouds and rainy days. (Not snowy either). Knowing all of this, why do I still question?
Only a few select people know this, but we had an opportunity to move to San Antonio this coming summer. We decided not to do it for a number of reasons, but the main being that we do not feel that we are done here. What?? Do I know what we are meant to do here, no. I wish I did. I would do it so we could leave. Instead, I choose to stay in my torn apart life. You see pictures of the earthquake victims and they just look so tired. This is how I feel. Sometimes, I am surprised when I have made it to the end of another day. I made it through one more day. Trying not to focus on tomorrow, almost willing tomorrow not to even come.
Then, amidst the destruction and devastation, you watch the Olympics. Watching the best in the world doing what they love. Each one putting everything they have out for others to see. Trying to be the best of the best. **Attempting the impossible.** For the most part, being kind to each other. Supporting each other and being excited for each others successes. Teaching my children to be excited for those who excel in each event. Even if they are not from USA. (Trying to teach Aaron the same after the Hockey game yesterday!) Joy and wonder. That is the Olympics for me in 3 words!
Attempting the impossible. I feel like that is what I do every day. That was the conference talk we discussed yesterday in Relief Society. I left feeling even more discouraged than I have before. The feeling that my best isn't good enough. Trying to figure out how I can fit more activities and chores and lessons and laundry in 1 day. How can we make a day 30 hours and not 24. I could use the extra hours. Not just for sleep, but just to get it all done. Because, I can't get it all done. Making lists makes me depressed. Turning it over to the Lord hasn't worked. I just feel more alone and more afraid. So, I sit, in the middle of my own personal earthquake. Just trying to survive from day to day. The feeling of exhaustion never leaving. Attempting the impossible every day only to feel like a failure. Still, I get up every day. I get dressed, and I try. I love with my whole heart. I fight with my whole heart and I shed a LOT of tears.
Hoping that today is the day I feel like my prayer is answered. Aaron's job will all of a sudden be "normal." The kids will stop fighting. The laundry will get done and we will all be loving and happy. Here's to hoping for today!
