Surreal….

So, my life seems surreal right now.  It is going in slow motion but is going way to fast at the same time.  It seems so strange to think that in just over a week, Aaron will be gone for 6 months.  Something about Tuesday did it for me.  He had less than 2 weeks left.  I have been super emotional since then.  Wednesday was my birthday, Thursday was Thanksgiving, yesterday was Christmas Eve and today is Christmas day.  I now understand why I am so tired!

 

I know this is late, but I have so many things to be thankful for.  At the top of my list is my Heavenly Father who is always mindful of me and my needs.  I don’t know how he does it, but he always seems to give me the strength to keep going, even when I think I am done.  A lot of unexpected things have happened lately.  But, somehow, I am able to keep my head held high and most of the time smile through it all.  Most of the time…..

Next, and a little fresh on my mind, I am SO thankful for Aaron.  He is my hero.  I must have done something very right in my life to deserve such an awesome man as him.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect :) – but – he’s perfect for me.  It’s amazing to see my love for him change and grow.  We have been together for more than 10 years now and I love him more than I ever thought possible.  I love him!  I am SO proud of him and his dedication to his patients and our country!  My heart will go with him when he leaves and I will not feel complete until he comes home.

Next, I’m so thankful for my kids.  4 sweet spirits that the Lord has trusted me to raise.  They challenge me and melt my heart daily.  I can be steaming mad one minute and so full of love and compassion the next.  There is no greater calling for me in this life than to be there mother!  I love each of them for their strengths and weaknesses.  My hope is that they grow and learn and always do what the Lord would have them do.

My family.  Blessed.  Immediate, extended and married in to!  2 very awesome parents.  My love for them has grown since leaving Utah.  I have never been more aware of the comfort, concern and love that they have for me.  Anything I ask, they will do.  I couldn’t ask for more.  2 awesome brothers.  Josh and I don’t see eye to eye on just about anything, but he is still my brother.  I hope that he will one day realize that the one thing he is looking for has been at his fingertips the whole time.  He just needs to grab it.  I love you Josh!

Justin.  He’s been gone for 23 years.  But, I feel his presence more lately than I ever have.  I know he is lifting me.  Holding me when I cry.  Smiling at me when I find the ability to laugh at myself.  I am SO grateful I am living right enough to be able to feel of his spirit when he is near.  He would have just celebrated his 32nd birthday.  I wish I could remember just 1 that I celebrated with him.  I look forward to the day when I can put my arms around him and thank him for his comfort and help in my life.

My in-laws.  It’s taken a while for us to get where we are.  But, I am very thankful for the man that they raised my husband to be.  For the grandparents that they are to our children and even though it hasn’t been easy, there has never been a time that they weren’t willing and ready to love and help us.  Please, know of my love for you.  I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, but thank you for trying.  I love Aaron and your grandchildren with all my heart.  Thank you for seeing that!

You!  Being in the military, I have met so may people that have molded and shaped me into the awesome person I am today.  My life would not be complete and full without you.  Good or bad.  Happy or sad.  Each situation, girls night out, serious discussion, gospel conversation or even cry sessions has truly blessed my life.  This Holiday season – please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I count myself very fortunate to be counted as your friend.  Thank you for your support and love.  Encouraging words, prayers, notes in the mail, text messages, phone calls or even the occasional package.  I know I am not the easiest person to be around, but thank you for sticking in there.  You mean more to me than you will ever know.

My one request is this:  This Holiday season, as you spend time with your family, please treasure every moment.  I would give almost anything to be able to spend the holidays with my family.  Aaron and extended.  I imagine this will be a very hard Christmas for me.  I wish I wouldn’t have taken advantage of all the previous Christmases when I was surrounded by our families.  Don’t take a single moment for granted.  Thank you for being a part of my life! 

Merry Christmas!!

What’s in a name??

I know, two posts in two days.  I must have too much time on my hands….yah right! 

A bit of background: A few weeks ago we visited Build-A-Bear.  We let the kids do the works!  Pick which ever bear they wanted (Justin picked the Star Wars bear which was the most expensive) and added an $8 sound box.  Aaron went into the bathroom and recorded our nighttime routine on each box.  While he’s gone, the kids can play his voice.  I am hoping that it is a source of comfort for them while he is gone.  Those of you who know build-a-bear, the last step is to name your bear.  The kids choose some funny names.  Maggie is the only one that needed coaxing.  Kennie’s bear is named Isaac.  (He wanted to spell it Isac until someone pointed out to him that it’s normally spelled with 2 a’s.)  Justin’s bear is named Alix.  (Notice the I.  So funny.)  Nate’s bear is Max.  He came up with it on his own.  Maggie’s bear is named Charlotte and we call her Charlie for short.  (This familiar to anyone?  That was going to be Maggie’s name until 2 months before she was born when Aaron decided to go a totally different direction.)

So, what’s in a name?  A few days after this, we were watching TV as a family and Kennie asked us how old he needed to be to change his name.  I just looked at him.  Aaron asked him why.  Kennie decided that he wants to change his name to Isaac.  I told him no.  He started crying and couldn’t stop.  “I really like name Isaac and want it to be my name.”  He went on for 15 minutes until I sent him to his room to calm down.  Seriously, the kid is only 7!!!

I HATE Running!!

I am not now nor have I ever been a runner.  Hate is a very strong word.  I get that.  Still, I HATE running.  During high school, I used my heart condition as an excuse to not run.  It worked every time!  Coaches would feel sorry for me, so I got to read a lot!  My friend, Nichole, started working out and I decided to walk on the treadmill while she was running.  One day, I wondered if I could run for 2 minutes straight.  I had never done that.  So, I did it.  Honestly, I felt like I was going to pass out.  But, I didn’t.  So, I decided to try again the next time.  I ran .25 minutes before I needed to rest.  That is where it all started.

This morning, I got up and went to the gym.  ALONE!!  For the last few weeks, I have been able to run a mile without stopping.  I usually run a 12-13 minute mile.  Then I walk for another mile.  This morning, I didn’t even look at the screen until 1.5 miles.  I had to stop then because I was pretty out of breath.  But I was awesome!  13 minutes to do 1.5 miles.  I walked the last .5 of the mile and did the stair machine for a while. 

So, my point.  I still hate running.  I don’t know if that will ever change.  However, I love the power I have gained by running.  My goal is to be able to run 2 miles in 20 minutes before Aaron comes back.  What have you taken control of?  It’s not easy, but it is empowering!  Thanks for listening.

TABOO

So, for the last few months, I have been needing to talk about this but haven’t figured out an appropriate place to do it. Aaron suggested I put it out here on the blog. So, if you don’t want to read, don’t read. This is more for me than it is for anyone else, but there is a lot that people can learn from this. I wish I knew more before having to go to the lengths I went too.


Every child is different. We all know that. But I couldn’t figure out why Nate acted so different from the other boys. It started very young. He had a serious attachment to me. Didn’t like Aaron to be very involved with him. However, he was an extremely difficult baby. Was from the moment he was born, all black from bruises. If you can imagine, it became very difficult for me. I was always tired and grouchy.

He continued to be different. Easily provoked and responded very aggressive. Without thinking, he would strike his brothers. There was no reason, and he couldn’t tell you why, he just did it. So, at his 4 year appointment, I expressed a few concerns to the doctor. He’s not potty trained and not even interested. He could care less. I couldn’t push him because if I did, he would push just as hard the other direction. Thankfully, the pediatrician had the smarts to send me elsewhere. I ended up starting at a social workers office. After a VERY bad first session, things got better. She introduced us to 1, 2, 3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, PhD. It’s a behavior system where you remove your emotions from discipline. It has been AWESOME for our family. Kennie has responded VERY well to it. Nate has been the slowest, but he is coming around. Slowly.


From there, we went to a psychiatrist. Nate has been diagnosed with ADHD. At first, I was very shocked and really struggled with the diagnosis. However, the more I read about the disease, the more that it sounded like Nate. Almost to a T. Relief and questions flooded my mind. It has been a rough road, but we are finally making progress. We have tried 2 different medications and found one that worked. We are now tweaking the dose a bit, but it has made a HUGE difference. I was worried it would change the Nate that we love. However, it has helped him gain the ability to not react so violently. He still hasn’t figured out what to do, but he doesn’t automatically react, which is great.

Here’s where the conversation begin. I have learned in the last few months how big of a taboo subject ADHD is. Like it’s something I gave my son. The disease would be easier to handle, if it wasn’t something I should be ashamed about. I don’t think it’s okay to just ignore it and hope he learns how to deal with it. I don’t always think that medicating is the answer either. I spent a lot of time in prayer and study about this decision. The one thing I am grateful for is that the medication doesn’t change who he is. Nate is still Nate, just a more gentle one. Everyone has always loved Nate. His voice, his manners, the way he talks and things and laughs. I didn’t want that to change. I am VERY glad it didn’t. The first medication was a terrible one. Thought I would going to lock him in his room. However, we are doing so much better on the 2nd one.


I don’t want him growing up thinking that there is something wrong with him. I don’t want people to look at him different because he has this disease. As time goes on, I believe he might be able to come off the medication and really understand and get the the root of what he can do to maintain to be the person he wants to be. That is a long time in the future, however, that is what we are working towards. I only want him to be happy.


I am not ashamed. I am not scared. i don’t care what sort of label people place on me. I would love to be able to talk to other moms about what works and what doesn’t work for their kids. I know each kid is different, but it something works, it’s worth a try, right? Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. I am not looking for pity. I’m only looking for people to understand. I think that this label can be changed, but it is going to take people who are not scared to stand up for these little guys!


I AM NOT SCARED!!

A few thoughts….

We have been listening to the Book of Mormon Scripture Scouts.  My kids love it.  There is one song that I dread.  For several reasons.  #1 – Kennie always starts crying.  (He’s my sensitive one.).  #2 – Kennie always says this song reminds me of Papa Schwendiman.  I miss him!  Which then leads me to think of how much I miss him as well.  My thoughts then turn to my brother.  I wish I could remember the days when he was alive.  So, most of the time, we always end up in tears.  November is hard.  Especially this year.  November is the month that Papa Schwendiman died.  November is also my brother’s birthday.  Justin would be 32 this year. 

This year we are trying to get into the Christmas Spirit early.  We put up the tree last night.  All our Christmas decorations are up!  Feels very weird.  Our Christmas Day this year is the 27th of November.  Santa will come the night of the 26th.  He will bring with him Aaron’s parents and brother Dallin.  The kids don’t know about this.  SO excited to see their faces.  I don’t think I have been this excited about something in a long time. 

Loving our Discover Christmas curriculum we are using.  Making chains, rice krispie treats shaped like trees and writing a Rebus!  LOVE it!!  Maybe our Christmas Spirit will come early after all!! 

Ordered our Thanksgiving cards.  Will go in the mail next week, I still don’t have a ton of addresses. Need to get some if you want a card!

She did it!!

I’m so EXCITED!!!  She did it!!

 

So, this is what they meant?

We have all heard that every member is a missionary.  And, I have always figured that I would just lead by example.  And, it has worked so far!  :)  People ask questions.  I give answers.  I’m not your “typical” Mormon.  There were a few years that I was a “wild child.”  And people are usually thrown when they hear that.  Some even think differently of me.  We all know that I am not a shy individual.  I tend to speak my mind, especially when asked.  Plus, I believe I am quite liberal (when it comes to Mormons.  Hence, not a typical Mormon.)  So, imagine my surprise when the missionaries asked me to start attending the Gospel Principles class.  They wanted my input with the lessons.  They thought it would help the investigators. (True, you can all stop laughing now!)

Enter Brittany.  Brittany’s husband is a member, but hasn’t been active for a very long time.  She had some questions about her church and started meeting with the missionaries to get her questions answered.  She ended up at church and we sat next to each other during Gospel Principles.  The Nursery leader brought Alesandra (her 2 year old daughter) in because she wouldn’t calm down.  Sandra didn’t even want Brittany to hold her, but I handed her my phone and she climbed up on my lap.  During the rest of the class, she sat on my lap and played on my phone.  Brittany was amazed because she has never done that before.  Anyway, I followed the spirit and invited her over for dinner that night.

The missionaries caught wind that Brittany and Sandra were coming for dinner and asked if they could join us for a lesson.  (Between you and me, they just wanted my good cookin’!)  Since that time, about 4 months ago, all but 1 of Brittany’s lessons have been at our house.  Brittany and Sandra have joined our family for family home evening and we have invited them to quite a lot of things.  I really enjoy hanging around with Brittany, and I hope she feels the same.  If not, she is spending an awful lot of time with someone she doesn’t like. :)

About a month ago, her life blew up!  She didn’t know which way was up.  We spent a lot of time on the phone and I helped her work through things.  We took her out to dinner (thank you IHOP!) and just showed her that we cared.  About a week later, she called and told me that she wanted to be baptized.  Words can not express the warmth that filled my soul.  I cried.  She laughed at me, but I cried.  I have watched her endure so many things and have stood in awe of her strength and character. 

I think I know what it feels like when a mama bird watches her baby fly for the first time.  One night last week, Brittany called me and expressed discomfort with a situation she was in.  One that if you didn’t have the standards that we have, would have been normal.  She felt odd.  Out of place.  She couldn’t get out of their fast enough.  I was so pleased that I was able to tell her that the spirit was telling her that she needed to get out of that situation.  It all clicked in her head! 

Tomorrow evening, 7 pm, Brittany will be getting baptized.  I am so thankful for so many things.  It is times like this that I am thankful I have a colorful past.  I was able to share experiences that I had and mistakes that I made and help her realize that we all make mistakes, but the Lord still loves us and if we follow his steps, those mistakes can be washed away.  I am so thankful that she feels comfortable to ask my any question, no matter how weird or strange she thinks it is.  We have had quite the conversations!  :)  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to be part of this special time for her.  I KNOW that it wasn’t me.  I know that I just said what he wanted me to say.  I am so glad that I was the right person, at the right time in the right place and said the right thing. 

This is what they meant.  The overwhelming love that is flowing from my heart is indescribable.  Seeing her  reminds me of the love that our Father in Heaven has for us.  I hope that I can continue to be an example to her and those around me.  I hope she will always remember how excited she is tonight.  I pray that she knows of my love for her, but more importantly, that she knows of our Father in Heaven’s love for her!  I was a part of something great!!  I was so excited, that I made 3, yes 3 White Chocolate Pumpkin Cheesecakes today to share after her baptism tomorrow.  Don’t you wish you were coming?  :)  Now, off to write my talk on Baptism before MY HUSBAND COMES HOME!!!  1 hour and 44 minutes!!!  Not that I’m counting!

Winner & a Killer Recipe

Thanks to random.org, our winner is comment #3 – Alisa Wahrer.  It will be in the mail by Tuesday.  Thanks everyone for playing!  Now, are you ready for a killer recipe??

***Edited - I didn't win my cheesecake.  SUPER bummed!  Mr. Moneybags bid $155 for my cheesecake.  Wow!  Super flattered!  I got a 1 hour free massage because my dessert sold for the highest amount!  Such flattery!

White Chocolate Pumpkin Cheesecake with Pecan-Gingersnap Crust
Recipe by Our Best Bites
Crust:
1 3/4 C gingersnap crumbs (about 30 small cookies)
6T real butter, melted
3 T brown sugar
3/4 C ground pecans
Filling:
3 8oz blocks cream cheese
3/4 C canned pumpkin puree
6 oz melted white chocolate (that's about 1 C white chocolate chips)
1 C sugar
3 eggs
2 t vanilla
1/4 t nutmeg
1 1/2 t cinnamon
1/8 t cloves
Topping:
- 1 C whipping cream, beat with 1/2 tsp vanilla and 4 Tbs powdered sugar until medium peaks form.
- 1/3 C roughly chopped pecans, either toasted or caramelized
- 2 Tablespoons jarred caramel sauce
1.  Preheat oven to 350. Using 2 large pieces of heavy duty foil, securely wrap the bottom and outside of your cheesecake pan. This will prevent leaks when using the water bath.
2.  For Crust:  Use a food processor to crush gingersnaps. Then do pecans. Combine gingersnaps, pecans, brown sugar, and butter and stir well to combine. Press into a 9" spring form pan. Evenly spread across the bottom of pan and up the sides about 1 inch.
3.  With an electric mixer beat cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add eggs, one at a time. Add pumpkin, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, and cloves.
4.  To melt chocolate, place in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave on 30 second intervals, stirring in between, until smooth. Set aside.  With the mixer running, slowly add in white chocolate in a steady stream (or steady blobs).  Pour mixture on top of the crust.
For water bath:
Place cheesecake pan inside of a larger pan. I use a roasting pan, like this. (and by "like this" I mean its appearance, because I most certainly did not pay $270 for mine) Place your cheesecake pan into larger pan. The larger pan should be at least 2-3 inches in depth. Place in pre-heated oven. With a kettle or pitcher filled with hot water, pour water into the larger pan about halfway up, or approximately 1 1/2 to 2 inches.  Bake for 60-75 minutes or until set. The center should be just a tad bit jiggly still. It will finish cooking while cooling.
5.  When it's done, remove from oven and place on a rack until completely cool. Place in the fridge for at least 12 hours. This is a very soft cheesecake so sufficient chilling is a must!
6.  When ready to serve spread sweetened whipped cream on top, drizzle caramel sauce over it, and sprinkle with pecans.

A few of my notes:

• I used the White Chocolate baking squares.  It takes 6 of them. 
• SERIOUSLY the best batter ever!!
• This was a lot easier of a recipe than I anticipated.  Just remember to do it the day before you need it.  Seriously, enjoy! 
• Now, I need to win this back at the auction tonight.  I am SO going to pay a lot for this!!
• If you need pictures, click on the link below the recipe name.  It will take you to their post with pictures of each step.

Lonely…

During fast & testimony meeting on Sunday, Ben (a friend of ours) got up to bare his testimony.  Something he said pierced my heart stronger than anything I can remember.  A testimony to me that the Lord does answer our prayers, but we have to be watching.  If I wasn't paying attention, I could have missed it.
He was looking at his busy schedule and was wondering how he was going to do it all alone.  It occurred to him that he wasn't alone.  We are never alone.
With Aaron getting ready to leave me and the kids for 6 months, the thought of being alone is what scared me the most.  I will be crazy busy during the day, but when the kids go to bed, and it becomes quiet at my house, that's when I am left alone with my thoughts and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him.  How I wish I could hold his hand.  I always think of things that I need to tell him when it's too late to talk to him. 
But, I was so nicely reminded on Sunday that I am not alone.  I will ALWAYS have a companion.  Ben - straight to my heart!  Now, I'm off to sleep in my bed alone.  Some things are good about him being gone.  I get the WHOLE bed!!  :)  I love you Aaron!